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Buy Me Some Peanuts
Despite this week’s turmoil in Washington, including the threat of a government shutdown, the annual Congressional Baseball Game went ahead as scheduled, with President Biden and Speaker Nancy Pelosi among the spectators.
“It was just baseball, no politics, until the Republican catcher went nuts about having to wear a mask,” Jimmy Fallon joked on Thursday night.
“It was a real nail-biter. In the eighth inning, I got a text from Pelosi saying, ‘We’re down by one run and only your donation of $26 can turn this around.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“But Pelosi had to work the phone instead of watching what I’m sure was a terrible baseball game. You think regular baseball is slow, imagine what it’s like with these bozos.” — SETH MEYERS
“President Biden stopped by for the game, although it was a little creepy when he left by disappearing into a cornfield.” — JIMMY FALLON
“He also spent some of the game working the phones, and then Biden left the park about an hour after he arrived. That has big absent dad vibes: [imitating Biden] ‘You look great out there, kiddo. Daddy’s just on a work call.’" — STEPHEN COLBERT
“And while he was there, he handed out ice cream bars with the presidential seal on the package. I scream, you scream, we all scream, ‘Can you get back to work, Joe?’” — JAMES CORDEN
“The Republicans beat the Democrats 13-12, but only because Kyrsten Sinema refused to tag anyone out.” — SETH MEYERS
“The Dems had a chance for a big win, but in the bottom of the ninth, Joe Manchin wrote a letter cautioning that it would be irresponsible to score.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Free Britney Edition)
“All right, let’s move on to some news about Britney Spears: formerly a girl, yet currently a woman.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Jamie Spears, her father, is vacating his daughter’s conservatorship to focus on his true passion, trying to jump an ATV over his aboveground pool.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“It has been 13 years since a court put her under a conservatorship, which means she can’t spend her own money, she can’t make her own career or medical decisions and she can’t even choose her own fighter in ‘Super Smash Bros.’ She just has to be Diddy Kong every single time!” — TREVOR NOAH
“And props to her fans for making this happen. Because you know who really was ahead of the curve? That ‘Leave Britney alone’ person. Yeah, at the time, we were like, ‘Whoa, that’s a little over the top!’ And now we’re like, ‘Yo, let’s put this [expletive] on the Supreme Court.’” — TREVOR NOAH
“I mean, Britney Spears is worth $60 million, yes — but she doesn’t need a conservator. You know who does? People with $60 billion. Those people are out of control. I mean, name one thing Britney has done that’s as wasteful and just, like, mindless as going into space in a giant penis.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Bits Worth Watching
Chloe Fineman of “Saturday Night Live” performed several spur-of-the-moment impressions on “The Tonight Show.”
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Daniel Craig says goodbye to James Bond with “No Time to Die.”
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