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‘Unstable, Tin-Foil-Hat Loons’
Officials said Saturday that the financier Jeffrey Epstein had committed suicide in his Manhattan jail cell, after being indicted last month for sex-trafficking girls. On Monday, the late-night hosts plunged into the conspiracy theories that have arisen since, including one involving the Clintons that President Trump retweeted.
“This has set off a wave of wild conspiracy theories online. The sort of stuff that only unstable, tin-foil-hat loons could possibly believe. So, Donald Trump.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“[Imitating Trump] Follow me down the rabbit hole here, O.K.? Who had the most to gain from Epstein’s death besides me, who is on videotape partying with him and young women? And who controls all federal prisons? The president — Bill Clinton!” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“I’m not saying the Clintons don’t have any power — they could definitely get a reservation at any restaurant in New York City, party of four, 7:00. On a Saturday? Maybe not. But masterminding a scheme to assassinate a high-profile prisoner in a maximum-security federal custody? They couldn’t even mastermind a visit to Wisconsin.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Yeah, the president did this, which is pretty wild, because this is the type of moment where you would think the president would be the voice of reason. Instead, Trump is jumping into the fray. You know, he’s basically that dad that when a fight breaks out in the Little League game, he runs into the field, but instead of breaking it up, he starts to body-slam the third graders.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Yeah, they weren’t checking in on Epstein and took him off suicide watch. Why? Look, I’m not an expert on psychology, but if someone tries to commit suicide, I don’t think two more weeks of jail would suddenly improve their outlook on life.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Seems like everybody thinks that something shady happened here. People on the right were saying it was the Clintons who killed Jeffrey. People on the left were saying Trump killed him. Jussie Smollett says it was two white Nigerian guys.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Punchiest Punchlines (Biden’s Bright Idea Edition)
“Former Vice President Joe Biden apologized this weekend after misspeaking at an event and saying, quote, ‘Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids,’ adding, ‘Sorry, that came out gay.’” — SETH MEYERS
“That’s what happens when you let him out in the sun without a hat. Even Kellyanne Conway was like, ‘What?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Oh, I don’t know what’s worse, suggesting poor kids are synonymous with black kids or trying to cover it up by listing as many kids as he could and hoping no one would notice. White kids, black kids, Asian kids, Cabbage Patch kids, Gap kids, New Kids on the Block.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Well, at least he’s saying this stuff by accident.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Bits Worth Watching
Jimmy Fallon and Kate Upton tried some moves from 1980s exercise videos.
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
Representative Ayanna Pressley of Massachusetts will talk Trump and “the Squad” with Stephen Colbert on Tuesday.
Also, Check This Out
Creepy carnivals seem to be a staple of summer television, most recently in “Euphoria” and “Stranger Things.”
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