Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue's funniest definitions to make you smile this Christmas

THINK you know the meaning of Christmas? Well, think again.

The hilarious Uxbridge English Dictionary is celebrating 20 years of alternative meanings to everyday words, including some that have a festive ring.

The tongue-in-cheek take on the English language was introduced on Radio 4 comedy panel programme I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue two decades ago, and it has become a British institution.

Clever and funny definitions include Crucifix meaning religious adhesive, Expert explaining saggy boobs and Christmas referring to something a bloke call Chris is compelled to do.

Hollyhock has been defined aptly for this time of year as “the art of pawning Christmas decorations”.

Here we bring your some of the best entries . . . 

ALASKA: I’ll go and ask my girlfriend.

AMOK: I’m fine.

BARBECUE: A long line of plastic dolls.

BUSKING: Owner of many buses.

CHAMPAGNE: To fake injury.

CHRISTMAS: Something Chris is compelled to do.

COCONUT: Crazy about hot chocolate.

CONDESCENDING: Prisoner in a lift.

CRUCIFIX: Religious adhesive.

DICTATOR: A humorously shaped root vegetable.

EXPERT: Saggy boobs.

EXTRACTOR FAN: One who used to like farm machinery.

GEAR: An alcoholic drink for a ventriloquist.

GELATINE: A device for cutting the heads off jelly babies.

GODSPEED: It’s raining.

HARUM-SCARUM: A truly terrifying haircut.

HIPPOCAMPUS: A very large, gay cat.

HOLLYHOCK: The art of pawning Christmas decorations.

INQUEST: A search for pubs.


JUSTICE: Nothing other than ice.

KETCHUP: To gain distance on someone.

KINGDOM: A contraceptive specially made for royalty.

KNICKERS: Kleptomaniacs.

KNOWING: Unable to fly.

LAVENDER: Someone whose sole purpose is to destroy toilets.

LOBSTER: Someone addicted to throwing things.

MAMBO: Female version of Rambo.

MASTIFF: A group of young men watching a blue movie.

NOMAD: Study of gnomes.

NUDITY: A song for when the old one gets stale and boring.

PAPIST: Dad’s drunk.

OCTAGON: A dead octopus.

WINCE: A setting on Jonathan Ross’s washing machine.

TELEPATHY: When you can’t be a***d to turn over the TV.

PERVERSION: The cat’s side of the story.

ZEBRA: Something worn under ze dress.

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