Buffet Scrambled Eggs Should Be Illegal

People often ask me what my least favorite food is, and without hesitation, I say buffet scrambled eggs. Thinking about them makes me gag. As far as I’m concerned, they should be banned from every hotel continental breakfast and hot bar on the planet. My greatest hope is that one day they will be illegal.

Why? Allow me to explain. Scrambled eggs are a finicky, delicate food. They cook quickly and require only a few things: whisked eggs, salt and pepper, a buttered pan, medium-low heat, and a good silicone spatula. That’s just the basics, but if I have cheddar and chives around, even better! Regardless, the only way I can eat them is fresh out of the pan and immediately on a plate. Serving them buffet-style is the complete opposite.

Buffet scrambled eggs sit under a hot lamp — for who knows how long — in a large pan fit for dozens of people. You use a big utensil to scoop them up like a firm casserole or — oh god — a sponge cake of sorts. They are not soft, fresh little pieces of scrambled curds that you can easily pick up with a fork. The texture is abhorrent. They’re almost as bad as the “eggs” served on airplanes, but I’ll stop talking about those before I vomit.

Buffet scrambled eggs probably contain milk, which is often used to make eggs “stretch” further for a crowd but is entirely unnecessary for eggs that actually taste good (Anthony Bourdain even said so). The worst is when you look at the ingredient list for plain scrambled eggs at a buffet and there are more words.

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